Reflection #1: INFJ

Throughout my adolescence I always felt different. I never felt like I belonged. I was walking through my life uninterested in the social climb, the fashion, the parties. Sure I wanted to belong. I didn’t want to be the loner who got ridiculed for her appearance and wardrobe. I just wasn’t interested in the same things as my peers.

There were clues – not that I knew at the time what they meant. I remembered hearing the predictable “teachers pet”, “nerd”, “emo”. Of course I internalized the bullying, but I didn’t agree with what they said. I didn’t even belong to the labels they put me in. Maybe I was a “freak”. I mean, who doesn’t even fit their labels as a kid?

It hurt, I didn’t want to be an outsider – but what could I do? That’s what I was.. but why did I feel it so much? Why did all the harsh words they threw at me hit me so hard and drown me in emotions? That was what I didn’t get. Looking back I wondered.. despite all that, why didn’t I just play the part? Why didn’t I just do what I had to do to fit in?

The truth is.. despite how much it hurt, it wasn’t who I was – and I always stayed true to who I was, even if I wasn’t sure what that meant.

Years later, I found myself at the end of my Child and Youth Care Diploma. Our teacher asked us to take a test, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which is based on the typological theory by Carl Jung. My result: INFJ. So what? Some answers put me into a group of letters, big deal. I didn’t give it another thought.

Sometime later, I retook the test (having forgotten my results). There it was again, INFJ. Okay, so what does this mean? I started googling it. Sifting through pages and pages of explanations – and the more I read, the more excited I became. This is who I was! INFJ! How could something so simple describe me so perfect? In such detail? With so many accurate examples? How could it be possible that I belonged somewhere after all? Somewhere that I fit perfectly. Somewhere I could be me, and know what that meant. I exhaled in wonder, this is what I was meant to discover.
Confusion

Now I know who I am. Have you ever felt this way? Do you know your MBTI type? Click here to find out: 16 personalities or Human Metrics. When you get your results post them here and let me know what you think!

With love, friends – shine on. ♥

 

New Beginnings

flower in concrete

Being me, I want what I create to be beautiful and perfect. I want to be great at something as soon as I start. I want it to come naturally and not have to work at it. I also want to be honest and real. I want to reveal things for what they are and shed new light. I want to be inspirational and for people to find meaning in my words.

I waited for inspiration to hit. Then it did. I waited for the perfect words to come to me. Then they did. I started writing and then.. nothing. It was gone as fast as it came. I got frustrated, I shut my laptop and slid it across the floor. I moved on. Days passed, I glanced at my laptop and felt frustration. I failed before I barely even began. Who was I to think I could do this? I’m no writer. I have no experience. People work their whole lives at this and I just thought I could pick it up and glide on through. So I stopped.

Then I came back. I realized that I can do whatever I want. I can create something beautiful. Even if it’s not perfect to me, maybe it will be perfect to someone else. So I will start at the beginning. I created an area on my blog to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Someplace they didn’t have to be perfect, or exceed my expectations; my reflections.

It won’t be perfect, but it will help me grow into myself and be a place to practice for the meaningful and inspirational posts that I will one day create.

It will be real, it will be raw, it will be me.