Reflection #6: Guilt

Guilt is such an interesting feeling. It can really change the way you look at and feel about life. Sometimes it can even affect the decisions you make. For me, guilt is something that creeps into my life daily. I am a dedicated person, I put my heart and soul into everything I do. Yet I let guilt control my life.

Right now I am in my third year of University and it’s been overwhelming to say the least. I try to accomplish coursework all day so that I have time to relax and have fun. But it never comes, the work never ends. It can get so overwhelming, the sheer volume of work to accomplish, that I find myself sitting on the floor. I stare into space and zone out. Sometimes I can’t move for 20 minutes. I feel immobilized. Eventually I force myself up and get back to work. It’s been a struggle.

I find myself longing to do simple things. I want to go visit my friends and family, read a book, write in my blog or even go for a walk. I have to ask myself: why is it like this? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I pretend to have it all together and power through the day, just to do it all again tomorrow? It shouldn’t be so consuming. I enjoy what I am learning. When I graduate with my degree, no one will look at my grades. Why am I trying so hard?

It’s me. It’s who I am. I give it all and I never give up. I pretend I’m not weak. I don’t ask for help. I am a tyrant to my being, and no one knows it but me.

loveIt needs to stop. I know that my mind, body and soul are precious – but my actions don’t show it. I know I need to protect, encourage and love them. Why don’t I? I don’t have the answer, but I want to find a solution.

If you’re like me and sacrifice your wellness, telling yourself that it’s for the best or that you’ll take a break when you’re done… admit it. You never let yourself be done. At least not for long, then you throw yourself right back into the chaos.

This pattern feels impenetrable, but I don’t want to live this way. I want to enjoy every day. I want to embrace self-care. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore for craving it. I want to feel whole and satisfied. Not an empty shell that will crumble at the first setback. We can have this. We can be this. We deserve it. If we are just brave enough to let ourselves.

Try this with me? We don’t have to struggle. We don’t have to go it alone. No matter what your demons are, you deserve to be happy. Share your struggles, share your triumphs. We are in this together.

With love, friends.♥

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9 thoughts on “Reflection #6: Guilt

  1. This:

    “It’s me. It’s who I am. I give it all and I never give up. I pretend I’m not weak. I don’t ask for help. I am a tyrant to my being, and no one knows it but me.”

    This attitude, it hurt me a lot. I was on the receiving end of it. I was once, quite recently, getting to know an Infj for marriage. And he did this. He pretended everything was fine, that he never hurt, that he was in control, and that he was strong and tough and never needed any help.

    I saw right through it, and I told him so too. He had walls up around him, and wouldn’t embrace vulnerability, so much so that I had to end things.

    I want someone who’s able to feel safe enough with me that they can be true to themself. I want them to have raw vulnerability, experience it with me.

    Guilt is a passive feeling. Don’t fall for it. You’re not responsible for shouldering the world’s burdens. We need to let the walls down, and be real and authentic, despite our fears, because that’s how you build connections with people you love.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m sorry he wasn’t able to open himself up to you. I’m glad you were able to recognize that you deserved more.

      I will admit that I do feel responsible for shouldering the worlds burdens. I am glad that I have allowed myself to be authentic with my partner. So many people have hurt me that it does take a long time for me to open up though. I am working on it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Youre very welcome INFJash 🙂 you’re too kind. Thank you for your kind words! You don’t need to apologize for another’s behavior at all. At the end of the day, we all learn from each other. Thank you for sharing your world with me. Stay blessed, MM

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        1. Yes that is so true we do learn even if it hurts us we learn eventually. Those are the worst lessons but sometimes the most important ones. Thank you for taking a look into my world! I haven’t been free enough to post more but your welcome to check back and share your stories!:)

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow Ashley. I’m impressed! That’s a huge confession you have here. I’m here and I want to do it with you Ashley. I know the feeling, even though it seems like the workload haven’t been as hard on me as on you. Your blogpost is so beautiful in such a sad way. I’ve shared quite a bit on my blog, and I’m ready to share more! Thank you for this post Ashley! ❤

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    1. Thanks for supporting me Niko:) I’ve been away, I miss reading your blog. I will have to catch up as I allow myself to. Thank you for doing this with me. I believe we can achieve whatever we want to.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We are our own worst enemy, and guilt just comes knocking on the door to remind us.

    Guilt can vary, you can eat one to many cup cakes and feel guilty, or be reluctant to help a elderly lady across the street. Yes, regardless of how big or small, guilt comes creeping in. Guilt is a Messenger from our Department-of-Internal-Standards. he sends his stamp of disapproval; we did not follow our internal guidelines. But we all know that not always the case, sometimes we can feel guilty for something we had no input over, yet we feel guilty. That’s when we need healthy boundaries, we need to remind ourselves to only worry about the things we have control over.

    I’m still awful at setting boundaries myself, I’m still measuring how far the fence has to be from my house.

    My biggest contributor to my guilt is social anxiety. I often know how to act on something, but I am scared out of my mind to actually do it, so I often don’t. Then you know, Department-of-Internal-Standards sends out their messenger called Guilt. In my case, guilt is normally a reality check.

    Thanks for the interesting read and confession, and good luck on your journey of self-discovery and the current workload you face. When the bar is set high, we need to jump higher. Or… that’s what my mom used to say, I’m pretty sure I jumped and tripped trying to get over that damned bar, and now I have a few teeth missing.

    -Yourfriend

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