Reflection #6: Guilt

Guilt is such an interesting feeling. It can really change the way you look at and feel about life. Sometimes it can even affect the decisions you make. For me, guilt is something that creeps into my life daily. I am a dedicated person, I put my heart and soul into everything I do. Yet I let guilt control my life.

Right now I am in my third year of University and it’s been overwhelming to say the least. I try to accomplish coursework all day so that I have time to relax and have fun. But it never comes, the work never ends. It can get so overwhelming, the sheer volume of work to accomplish, that I find myself sitting on the floor. I stare into space and zone out. Sometimes I can’t move for 20 minutes. I feel immobilized. Eventually I force myself up and get back to work. It’s been a struggle.

I find myself longing to do simple things. I want to go visit my friends and family, read a book, write in my blog or even go for a walk. I have to ask myself: why is it like this? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I pretend to have it all together and power through the day, just to do it all again tomorrow? It shouldn’t be so consuming. I enjoy what I am learning. When I graduate with my degree, no one will look at my grades. Why am I trying so hard?

It’s me. It’s who I am. I give it all and I never give up. I pretend I’m not weak. I don’t ask for help. I am a tyrant to my being, and no one knows it but me.

loveIt needs to stop. I know that my mind, body and soul are precious – but my actions don’t show it. I know I need to protect, encourage and love them. Why don’t I? I don’t have the answer, but I want to find a solution.

If you’re like me and sacrifice your wellness, telling yourself that it’s for the best or that you’ll take a break when you’re done… admit it. You never let yourself be done. At least not for long, then you throw yourself right back into the chaos.

This pattern feels impenetrable, but I don’t want to live this way. I want to enjoy every day. I want to embrace self-care. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore for craving it. I want to feel whole and satisfied. Not an empty shell that will crumble at the first setback. We can have this. We can be this. We deserve it. If we are just brave enough to let ourselves.

Try this with me? We don’t have to struggle. We don’t have to go it alone. No matter what your demons are, you deserve to be happy. Share your struggles, share your triumphs. We are in this together.

With love, friends.♥

New Beginnings

flower in concrete

Being me, I want what I create to be beautiful and perfect. I want to be great at something as soon as I start. I want it to come naturally and not have to work at it. I also want to be honest and real. I want to reveal things for what they are and shed new light. I want to be inspirational and for people to find meaning in my words.

I waited for inspiration to hit. Then it did. I waited for the perfect words to come to me. Then they did. I started writing and then.. nothing. It was gone as fast as it came. I got frustrated, I shut my laptop and slid it across the floor. I moved on. Days passed, I glanced at my laptop and felt frustration. I failed before I barely even began. Who was I to think I could do this? I’m no writer. I have no experience. People work their whole lives at this and I just thought I could pick it up and glide on through. So I stopped.

Then I came back. I realized that I can do whatever I want. I can create something beautiful. Even if it’s not perfect to me, maybe it will be perfect to someone else. So I will start at the beginning. I created an area on my blog to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Someplace they didn’t have to be perfect, or exceed my expectations; my reflections.

It won’t be perfect, but it will help me grow into myself and be a place to practice for the meaningful and inspirational posts that I will one day create.

It will be real, it will be raw, it will be me.

Scared to Silence

Once there was a little girl
Her skin was white as snow
And everywhere her father hit
A bruise was sure to show
And so he used his words instead
They cut her to the bone
All she dreamed of desperately
was being left alone.

Each day she’d tiptoe lightly
Around her only home
For if she tread too heavily
His words would feel like stone
Smashing through her fragile heart
As though it made of glass
She wished she were invisible
For the fear she felt was vast.

Years went by
The scars grew thick
around her tender heart.
She found the day, she finally would
Get her fresh new start.

Now she wonders to herself
Why did he do her wrong?
She always thought a fathers love
Should be beautiful and strong.
Instead she felt a failure
To this man she called her dad.
For if this was, what love really was
Why did it hurt so bad?