Reflection #6: Guilt

Guilt is such an interesting feeling. It can really change the way you look at and feel about life. Sometimes it can even affect the decisions you make. For me, guilt is something that creeps into my life daily. I am a dedicated person, I put my heart and soul into everything I do. Yet I let guilt control my life.

Right now I am in my third year of University and it’s been overwhelming to say the least. I try to accomplish coursework all day so that I have time to relax and have fun. But it never comes, the work never ends. It can get so overwhelming, the sheer volume of work to accomplish, that I find myself sitting on the floor. I stare into space and zone out. Sometimes I can’t move for 20 minutes. I feel immobilized. Eventually I force myself up and get back to work. It’s been a struggle.

I find myself longing to do simple things. I want to go visit my friends and family, read a book, write in my blog or even go for a walk. I have to ask myself: why is it like this? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I pretend to have it all together and power through the day, just to do it all again tomorrow? It shouldn’t be so consuming. I enjoy what I am learning. When I graduate with my degree, no one will look at my grades. Why am I trying so hard?

It’s me. It’s who I am. I give it all and I never give up. I pretend I’m not weak. I don’t ask for help. I am a tyrant to my being, and no one knows it but me.

loveIt needs to stop. I know that my mind, body and soul are precious – but my actions don’t show it. I know I need to protect, encourage and love them. Why don’t I? I don’t have the answer, but I want to find a solution.

If you’re like me and sacrifice your wellness, telling yourself that it’s for the best or that you’ll take a break when you’re done… admit it. You never let yourself be done. At least not for long, then you throw yourself right back into the chaos.

This pattern feels impenetrable, but I don’t want to live this way. I want to enjoy every day. I want to embrace self-care. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore for craving it. I want to feel whole and satisfied. Not an empty shell that will crumble at the first setback. We can have this. We can be this. We deserve it. If we are just brave enough to let ourselves.

Try this with me? We don’t have to struggle. We don’t have to go it alone. No matter what your demons are, you deserve to be happy. Share your struggles, share your triumphs. We are in this together.

With love, friends.♥

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Reflection #1: INFJ

Throughout my adolescence I always felt different. I never felt like I belonged. I was walking through my life uninterested in the social climb, the fashion, the parties. Sure I wanted to belong. I didn’t want to be the loner who got ridiculed for her appearance and wardrobe. I just wasn’t interested in the same things as my peers.

There were clues – not that I knew at the time what they meant. I remembered hearing the predictable “teachers pet”, “nerd”, “emo”. Of course I internalized the bullying, but I didn’t agree with what they said. I didn’t even belong to the labels they put me in. Maybe I was a “freak”. I mean, who doesn’t even fit their labels as a kid?

It hurt, I didn’t want to be an outsider – but what could I do? That’s what I was.. but why did I feel it so much? Why did all the harsh words they threw at me hit me so hard and drown me in emotions? That was what I didn’t get. Looking back I wondered.. despite all that, why didn’t I just play the part? Why didn’t I just do what I had to do to fit in?

The truth is.. despite how much it hurt, it wasn’t who I was – and I always stayed true to who I was, even if I wasn’t sure what that meant.

Years later, I found myself at the end of my Child and Youth Care Diploma. Our teacher asked us to take a test, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which is based on the typological theory by Carl Jung. My result: INFJ. So what? Some answers put me into a group of letters, big deal. I didn’t give it another thought.

Sometime later, I retook the test (having forgotten my results). There it was again, INFJ. Okay, so what does this mean? I started googling it. Sifting through pages and pages of explanations – and the more I read, the more excited I became. This is who I was! INFJ! How could something so simple describe me so perfect? In such detail? With so many accurate examples? How could it be possible that I belonged somewhere after all? Somewhere that I fit perfectly. Somewhere I could be me, and know what that meant. I exhaled in wonder, this is what I was meant to discover.
Confusion

Now I know who I am. Have you ever felt this way? Do you know your MBTI type? Click here to find out: 16 personalities or Human Metrics. When you get your results post them here and let me know what you think!

With love, friends – shine on. ♥

 

Scared to Silence

Once there was a little girl
Her skin was white as snow
And everywhere her father hit
A bruise was sure to show
And so he used his words instead
They cut her to the bone
All she dreamed of desperately
was being left alone.

Each day she’d tiptoe lightly
Around her only home
For if she tread too heavily
His words would feel like stone
Smashing through her fragile heart
As though it made of glass
She wished she were invisible
For the fear she felt was vast.

Years went by
The scars grew thick
around her tender heart.
She found the day, she finally would
Get her fresh new start.

Now she wonders to herself
Why did he do her wrong?
She always thought a fathers love
Should be beautiful and strong.
Instead she felt a failure
To this man she called her dad.
For if this was, what love really was
Why did it hurt so bad?